Well,
this somehow.. ended oddly.
I had a burst of mixed emotions just a few days ago, ne~
But now I feel fine. o_o
My mom had been asking me about this, and well, I told her that I'd have a dinner with my parents on the 28th instead. I never answered her whenever she asked me if I'll be having a dinner with my friends or not. Well.. in fact, I'm avoiding that question. So my plan for when the 27th comes, if my mom asks me, 'Aren't your friends coming?' I'd definitely answer, 'Already here.' If she asks me where they are. I'll just point at myself. 'Here.' XD WOW, I am so going to get whacked for that~ Rather than lying, I'll keep quiet, ne~ ♥
I'll upload my project by tomorrow night, and post it on my main blog (which is not here!)
But I plan to upload my fave song for a birthday overall! 'Happy Birthday to Me' by Bulldog Mansion! It's been a while.. uhmm maybe two years since I've heard it~ I heard it the first time when I was watching 'There she is, Step 2: Doki and Nabi' at SamBakza.net! I liked it ever since. I think I last watched it when I was in what.. form 2 or 3. That's about 2-3 years ago, ne~ ♥
I finally finished downloading Granado Espada! And I can't wait to play it! (after the 27th) Though, I feel the need to clean up my room! So I'll do both after my birthday ne~ ♥
I also need to start studying as well, and brush up on my Japanese, and also read a few things. I need to pack up my manga and sell them ASAP! And to be honest, when I saw HSJ's statistics, it just made me WANT to slim down! D:
I have a lot of things I want to do, ne~ ♥ I have about 14-16 one-shots I need to write (and which I kinda promised my friends), but I have about 4-5 original stories to write! But I think I might just focus on 'Promise' and 'Game of Love' first, ne~ ♥
AGH! I need to watch my dorama CDs as well! Yabai yo~ Oh and.. HIGH-JUMP Project started, so I have to plan in advance when the projects are dued. So many things I want to do~ ♥ Though, all of them seem to have no connections to going out. I'm a homely sad person, ne.
*cough* Actually, I'm sort of sick myself. XD;; But oh well~
Actually, the only people I talk to are my parents, ne~ ♥ But talking about online, I'd always seem to be replying my friends' comments on my main blog. :) It's fun talking to them. I feel that I can be open with them, though, I do have a few things which make me not open that much! I especially enjoy Fuji's comments~ ♥ She likes Chinen, y'know. But evidently, she likes to tease me with Hikaru! O_O;; Not that I mind it. I actually enjoy it~ ♥
Online.. online.. Well, I do notice that I talk less to Asshie, but it's Zushi who starts the convo on MSN. LET'S ALL KILL HIM NOW!
......
I'm joking! I'm joking! XD
D: HOW'S THAT FOR MOMENTARY KINDNESS, HUH?!
.....
Naw, I'm just being random, Zushi. XD
So back to the point, if Zushi is the only person that I talk to more often now, guess how little my communication with others is! I practically talk to my sister's cat! That's how sad and lonely I am, ne~ ♥
But I'll be honest, when I look at my sister's cat, I seem to think, "If Hikaru was here, he'd run away, ne~" And I'd laugh a bit... before realising that I was thinking about that again. :|
I heard from my parents that my sister is coming back for Christmas Break! That makes me think, for Christmas this year, I'll be spending it alone, ne~ ♥ Since my next project is dued on that date! I'm thinking of buying that small miniature Christmas Tree sold in the department store! But I think my parents would disapprove, so I plan to buy it in secret! I actually have a few things I want to buy~
Like clothes, jacket, shoes, socks, hats, shirts, a mat, the small mini Christmas Tree, nail polish?! DX Lol~ ♥ a better hair straighter! Yeah~ I'm looking into saving up to buy all that, and a few more things, like ext HD, new mobile, games. I planned to buy a camcorder, but I think I'll buy that after my A levels~
I plan to change my result for that colour test! I want to finish all my work! I want to charge ahead! And go 'wheeeeeee~' Ahahahahaha!~ ♥
I do notice that I feel more distant with my friends, ne~ Like Nacchan, Ian, Kuroru, Asshie, and all. And I can never seem to smile or laugh normally as if nothing's wrong. Nacchan would be busy by the 29th, and Ian and Kuroru will be with Chew, ne~ ♥ Asshie will be with Kendou with Dindin~ Zushi, you can just go ahead and play with your games and cats!
Rather, now I feel that I can laugh normally and smile when I'm online. I'd be looking into Cake Wrecks, Failblog.org, or something. Albinoblacksheep.com, JE boys being silly! And I do feel that I'd want to laugh everytime I get myself hurt, or something silly happens to me (like how my hat seems to fall off a lot during Graduation! :| More than 6 times.)
I feel extremely happy when I see my friends replying or commenting on my main blog, whether its normal life stuff, or my fanfics, but I definitely like to see my friends commenting on my fanfics! I feel satisfied with my work, and it builds up my confidence! But comparing that to this, I don't seem to build up my confidence here in real life, or with my friends (no offense, but you all seem to have something better than me that it makes me feel that I'm nothing. XD And the fact that no one seems to comment on my fanfics or stories here, it doesn't build up my confidence. SURE, you guys might have read it, but I won't know if you liked it or not. So sorry. I guess that's why I kinda prefer my blog friends rather than my real life friends. :|)
I guess that I do seem like I'm trying to get attention, but what I'm looking for is people to compliment and realise my efforts in doing things I like, so that I know that there's one thing I'm better at than you guys, or something that people can recognise me for! I feel fine whenever people tell me it's okay to talk or fangirl about JE guys, but I don't feel fine when people doesn't seem to be interested. So whenever people would just call me a fangirl, I do get angry, not because it's true, but it's because people just see me as THAT, but they don't know that I'm actually idolising JE guys, not because of their looks, or songs. But I feel that, if I was given a 2nd chance in life, I know what I'd want to do! I'd want to do things that the JE guys do. Live a hard time is fine for me. But it's like living in an adventure! You go to dance practice everyday, trying to balance that with your personal life. You get to sing, and dance, as it's your work! Dorama parts you have to act out. Being the hosts of your own radio show, or talk show. Have concerts and be hyped up! Have photoshoots! I do know that maybe I don't seem to like it, but I actually do. But because of my low self-esteem, I can never do it. XD;;
And please, Prasadi, don't even give me sarcastic comments. :| I don't want to know what you're thinking. Apparently, my low self-esteem also partly comes from not only my family and friends, but I do feel that being in the class makes me have less confidence. We have Hamizah who gets all the attention, not that I mind, but I do idolise her for that! But what makes me have less confidence is when people don't want to be with me, or be my seatmate. When people find me annoying, fiiiine, okay whatever. But Jevon's comments of me being 'Emo' or 'YOURE FAT' comments, not only do they hurt my feelings, but they damage my confidence, BECAUSE it only makes me hate myself more. People not inviting me out either makes me feel, "Oh no one likes me.." doesn't seem to make it any better.
I'm not blaming anyone, but I do feel the need to explain why I'm acting how I am.
I deny any truth because I don't want people to know.
I deny any feelings because I do feel that I might annoy people.
I sort of refuse to share my problems with people because I know that no one can really help me with this, and when they do try to advise me or something, I'm not stubborn to go with it, or simply the advice I find isn't really helpful.
I insult people because I want them to think that I don't like them and that I don't have any care for them (regardless what, I do care XD No matter if it means insulting Zushi or Amin, or Jem, or Jevs, or whatever)
Whenever people have problems, I try to take that in mind, and whenever I give an advice, I do feel that it's not much of a help and occasionally I feel embarrassed when I don't give a good one, or none at all. "Friends are there to listen," yes I understand that statement, but as a friend, I worry, and I do want to help, despite.. having to read that I'm a bit too nosy. XD;;
And I'll be truthful, whenever people come to me for help, this is what I feel,
1) Most of the time, I feel touched that they came to me as a friend.
2) Worried.
3) The feel to help.
But I do have the feeling of not wanting to help since it has gotten somehow overbearing for me. I can't think straight when my mind is being troubled by my friends' problems and my own. So recently, I do feel the need to go away before anyone says anything to me. XD And yes, I'm being selfish now because I want to solve my own problems without anyone's help since I don't want their help, and I don't people to be bothered by it or by me.
Yay~ I'm confessing now~ ♥
And yes, I do like Hikaru a lot. :| Why do you think I started the Hikaru-thon? HAHAHAHA. LOL.
Let me having something dreamy in life once in a while, okay? ♥
♥ FYI, if you DO know my main blog, you'll be sad to know that all the public entries are all fanfics, no? Since my personal-life related entries are on private (only viewable by my custom group friend who can access it) so either way, it'd mean,
1) you'd need an account
2) you'd need to be a friend
3) you'd need to request for access (so I can put you to the group, so either way I'd know if it's you, no? ♥)
