Well, to be honest, I'd like to continue posting stuff here, but only about my thoughts, ne~ I don't remember what was that segment I used for posting these kind of posts, so here I'll just start a new fresh one! This segment is now called, 'Thoughts of a Psycho'. :)
& Today's theme is, 'GIFTS'
Well, there's not specific reason behind this, but I thought it'd be nice to let others know how I feel towards this.
When it comes to certain occasions, such as birthdays, Mother's day, etc. I would always want to buy that person a present, but my biggest concern was not the money, but what to buy. There are many people; those who are good at gifts, and those who are awful (awful as in.. they buy an ugly dress that looks like someone puked on it)
I'd have to categorise myself in the group of being awful at buying gifts. When I looked at people buying and giving gifts, it'd make me stop and I would always watch their reaction, even for a second. It'd make me feel, 'Ah, such a good feeling, ne~', but it gives concern to me. When someone's birthday comes up, I'll start researching on what that person wants, and her/his favourite things. I'd give up once I see that it was impossible, and I'll be like, 'They won't care. It's not like mine would matter.' I'd always have these negative thoughts. Personalised gifts, I'd so much want to give them, but I'd always be too concerned on whether the person would love it or not, and too concerned about their reaction, and if they didn't like it, they'd like me less. But giving nothing was as bad, ne.
Whenever I think about it now, I'd wonder, 'Maybe a card or something small should be okay.' Well, it's already sort of late now.
When it comes to my birthday, my parents never fail to give me a gift. I'd always feel happy. When other people give me as well, I feel happy, yet I don't want to take it, because I feel guilty, ne~ Like, 'But I didn't get them a gift.. and I was such a horrible friend..' I'd always be concerned about how much someone liked me, or what they thought of me that these things always came to mind. When someone want to give me gifts, I'd always be like, 'Should I take this? If I take, I might be stingy and selfish. But if I don't take, I'll be rude, ne.' So whenever someone wants to give me stuff or buy me something, I'd always feel the need to ask, 'Are you sure? I can buy or get this myself.'
That actually makes me think of Hari Raya. Whenever we go to someone's house, they offer me stuff. When I was young, I didn't care. But at some point, I became quite shy, and scared. It wasn't because I'd be called a pig or chubby after that. But it was because I'd think that if I ate any, I'd feel like I was selfish for taking something so lightly. Though now, I can easily take it without feeling embarrassed. :) I had friends to teach me that.
Actually, I have one interesting event, ne. I was chatting with a friend.. hmm.. let's call him *looks around and sees 'Fruit Basket' manga* Let's call him Basket. So I was chatting with Basket, and we're just normal friends. So at some point, I joked to him, 'Oh actually, I like this thing.' And what it is, let's just say it's those.. uhmm you know those coloured straws with shapes? The one for kids? Yeah, those things. So he said, 'Really? I have those.' And I just joked with him that I really wanted to start a collection. Perhaps, he was just a thoughtful person. After a week or so, at school, I went to get a book out of my bag. When I noticed something in my bag. I took it out and saw it was a straw, dark ocean-blue, sort of star-like shaped. I was surprised, but I didn't know what or how it got there. When I got home, I noticed a note that came with it. It was a message from Basket, saying that I can have it, and he asked me to take care of it. It really left a deep impression in my heart, and I'd always think, 'He's nice, ne~'
When I think about it, I have a few friends who quite remember what we talked about, and what I'd randomly want. It makes me think, 'I have such good friends, ne~ I wonder if I'm a good friend too.' I try to stop thinking about that, and even so, my habits are not easy to overcome, ne~
